If it wasn’t already clear, Taylor Swift does not have much of a sense of humor about herself. In a new Vanity Fair profile, Taylor responds to a question about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Golden Globes jokes about her very public and ever-accelerating love life by saying, “Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.'” [The quote is actually Madeleine Albright’s.]
While I applaud Taylor for throwing shade in the classical Paris is Burning sense rather than the post-Drag Race bastardized form, the ineluctable fact remains that TAYLOR SWIFT NEEDS TO SHUT UP. If she’d sweep those damn bangs out of her eyes she’d see that Tina and Amy WERE trying to help her. Tina suggested that she needs “some me time to learn about herself,” which was a very kind way of saying that YOU ARE DATING WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE AND BECOMING A LAUGHING STOCK YOU RIDICULOUS SELF-SERIOUS FOOLWOMAN. (Also of note in the profile: Taylor Swift would not talk about Harry Styles, but she did “authorize someone to discuss” him with Vanity Fair, which is a hilarious high school move and totally Swift-ian.) And really, Taylor? Your head is so far up your own ass that you think a fight with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will be a winning fight? If you’re rendering harsh pronouncements on universally beloved women of comedy, maybe next you can tell Betty White to die a slow and painful death.
Amy Poehler was the first to respond to Swift’s condemnation, making the following perfect statement to The Hollywood Reporter: “Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.” So yes, Amy Poehler is still perfect. As for Tina Fey, she’s found herself in the unfortunate position of doing a press tour for her new film Admission while the Swift story has been lighting up the interwebs. This has led to several comments on the subject.
She told Us Weekly that it was “a benign joke,” and said to Entertainment Tonight, “If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron.” When Vulture suggested to Tina that maybe Taylor will write a song about this like she does about her exes, she interrupted: “Me, too, though! Me, too. I could do a song. I could do a whole song about it.” And apparently she’ll only put up with that shit from legitimate press, because when a paparazzo asked her about it on the street, she repeatedly told him to go fuck himself. That encounter is captured in GIF form here. (And while we’re on the topic of GIF stories, here’s the look of incredulous horror Taylor got when a reporter said her name wrong.)
In summary, condemning two brilliant trailblazing comedians to eternal hellfire for joking that you should become more self-actualized is the polar opposite of “women helping women;” really, giving the press fuel to start yet another “rival female celebs be feuding” tabloid piece is one of the most antifeminist things you can do in the media world. If you want to see a truly unhelpful comedic response to your love life, look to Chelsea Handler (providing her usual dead-eyed sarcastic counterpoint to Fey and Poehler’s vitality), who declared Swift to be a virgin on Watch What Happens Live this week.
And finally, if Tina and Amy go to hell for anything, it will obviously be for refusing to host the Oscars.